Realizations

You know how you have those thoughts that anyone else could tell you 'duh - of course you do that!' or something? But for you...those obvious tendencies aren't so apparent and sometimes take a ton of lessons learned to get the point across. I think I'm starting to get the point.

1. I like the excitement of planning. That way I can revel in how fabulous the 'thing' will be. Once it gets close however, I shut down. I no longer want to have anything to do with it because it's 'different' and might not be as fabulous as I hope. I do this with a variety of things:

• vacations: I adore planning them...but it never fails...2 days before I dig my heels in and don't want to go.
• Colleges/Apartments/Life/ETC: I get excited for Portland - really truly excited. But then I start to realize that it means saying goodbye to everyone here. It means packing my life. It means plopping myself down in a brand new place where I don't really know anyone and I don't feel safe and sure of what will happen. Once this fear kicks in...it's easy to look away. Then I create new plans and get excited over them!

It's kinda weird. Yes, I'm still planning on going to Pacific if they accept me but, with the chance that they won't being allowed into my head, I'm devising an alternate plan that perhaps I'm even more excited about. (Remember - I like plans) This one involves staying here an extra year so I don't have to say goodbye yet (phew - another stressor held off). It involves the University of Puget Sound which is cheaper, in Tacoma, WA, has Tina's name on it, and is fabulous in and of itself too.

Point being: either one is ok with me.

Bigger point being: I need to enjoy living today and not just planning for tomorrow.

2. I don't think I like having an actual boyfriend...or at least I don't deal with it well. I like the idea of knowing there's a person who cares about me, loves me, cuddles me, etc. But I don't like the fear of it ending, wondering why he's not calling, etc. Perhaps that's why I had such a good stint with long distance. I could have my carefree life with the added bonus of knowing I had someone who cared about me anddddd then....we could have mini vacations together - on which everyone is happy.

See what I'm saying? It's a proven fact that Devon cries less when not attached to any man thing.

It's another proven fact that Devon misses Ryan quite terribly and is acutely aware that she's started to compare any guy she's interested to the 'R' component of her now 'HR' Penguin. Ohhh goodness.

I feel like Ryan needs to leave me alone. Even if we are kindred soul mates - his frequent guest appearances in my dreams makes it quite a bitch come morning time. Just a little thought for ya.

This is uber random but my mind is beat up by physiology right now and plus, my blog is for me. It's for me to vent and make no sense at all...and be totally ok doing it. Perhaps later I shall post pictures of what I want the University of Puget Sound dream to look like. I am, after all, a ridiculously visual individual.

That is all.