The Ever-Prodding Nostalgia

So I've been plagued recently by some pretty intense nostalgia. This Thanksgiving was hell for me and involved a massive breakdown and those feelings of craziness. Last year I spent Thanksgiving on my dorm room couch - sick, crying, cleaning, and eating cold soup. Two years ago, David was over at my house for dinner - and it was an amazing day to say the least. Three years ago, I was beginning my descent back into ED after getting out of the hospital a second time. Four years ago...I was taking a break from my "healthy eating" plan that started it all to enjoy a little Thanksgiving dinner.

This year, Kory was supposed to come over. He's a guy I met in the SLC airport (the second - David was the first). He was going home to Idaho for his 2 week R&R in the middle of his 12 month deployment in Iraq. We started up a correspondence that was strange and close and...yeah...all at the same time. I should add that the reason I wasn't home last thanksgiving had to do with me being home a few weeks before with the intent of going down to the Oregon coast with Kory...that didn't happen. He got angry with me for being afraid that he was angry with him. So that failed...then I was supposed to go up to Idaho to see him the first week of Christmas break...that didn't happen either so I ended up staying with a lady I barely knew for a week since I couldn't change my tickets. This October, I was supposed to go up to Idaho to spend the day with him. That didn't happen either and then he blocked me on instant messenger. Three weeks later he unblocked me, apologized with good excuses, and I invited him over for thanksgiving dinner...that didn't happen last thursday either. I had no explanation and no call regarding friday when we were supposed to hang out as well. He appeared to have blocked me again...but then IMed me on saturday apologizing...again.

I over-analyze things like no other and it results in me feeling like I'm going insane. My depression is substantial currently so that doesn't help the situation either. Point is, this trip was a serious let down. It was nice to finally have a breakdown at home where my parents can comfort me - it's been something I've craved this entire semester that's kicked my ass. I've been in pain and not having my support system has been a real challenge.

So I know this post was not the best first post, but I had to get it out there...so yeah.

Oh, P.S. - I really kinda miss Mark and am afraid of what I'll do when we spend the day together next month on his pre-deployment leave...I really don't want to do anything I'll regret...but I miss him so much sometimes...yeah. K, that's all