The Door...

"If you stare too long at the door that's just closed, you'll never see the one that's just opened."

I'm looking into the open doorway - don't worry. I'm waking up, in a sense, from a bittersweet dream...to find that it's not so terrible on the outside. There's the fact that Portland can be, theoretically, 7ish months away. There's the idea of kittens....of the beach an hour away...of HOME 3 hours away...there's the idea that my penguin is out there - growing and learning - just like me so that when it is time for us to meet, we'll be ready.

Ryan broke up with me today - kinda Hunter-esque in that I realllly didn't expect it but it's actually ok. It's stinging a bit but I've been preparing for a while in a way. As I was driving down to Jenna's this afternoon, I was, of course, crying. The interesting part was that as I began to think about exactly why I was crying, there was a tinge of relief laced in with the sadness. I'm relieved that I can go back to dreaming of Portland and penguins....kitties and oceans....growth and hopes.

I'll be honest, I really hate the idea of having to wait until I'm 28 to get married...if that's even right. It scares me that I have to be ok on my own for so long...but isn't that the point? Once I'm 'ok' and 'whole' on my own, THATS when I can truly be the Devon that's supposed to meet her penguin. It can't be the Devon that freaks out when he doesn't call on a certain day or feels as if she can't voice her opinion in fear that he'll leave her. My penguin won't do that. I won't do that. It's good to know that the next however many years will be spent constructively - working to uncover myself - the true self - and let that Devon become visible. I assure you it will be a blinding image.

I sat with Jenna this afternoon and we discussed a great number of 'big' questions as we lost ourselves in the deep gray clouds - the perfect day. We spent a good deal of time describing what our penguins will look like. Here's what I envision...wouldn't it be insane if it really did turn out this way? Perhaps the psychic would be right about me being psychic...or something. Anyways, here's my penguin:

• He appears to be named James...or something similar


• He's involved in service for others (i.e. medical, social, etc)


• He's around 6 ft.


• The first thing you notice is his smile face - his eyes light up and twinkle, he's got laugh lines, a dimple, and an aura that makes you want to smile too.


• He's comfortable.


• His laugh is contagious.


• His hair is a little on the auburn side, a little on the rust side. It's a tad spiky and disheveled as well.


• He wears glasses to read - when we're reading at night, he'll look down over his glasses and smile at me.


• In my mind, he's wearing a sweater with a button up underneath - his hands are shoved deep into his dark blue jeans and he's shifted onto one foot in casualness. He's at ease and assured.


• I hear him laughing a lot....and I can't wait.

I can't wait to be someone who makes him laugh...someone he shares laughs with. I can't wait to understand why everything's happened - why it had to. Why it's all been worth it.

That day will come - I have to believe it will. As for now, I won't 'wait' - I'll live.