When It Rains...It Pours

These last three weeks have been some of the hardest and darkest I've faced in a very long time. I've come to doubt, question, surprise, and disappoint myself. It's all really jumbled and the wounds are quite fresh, but perhaps some Grey's Anatomy quotes will get the message across a little...

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Basically...I hurt...a lot. Mark and I hurt together and then he went to stay with Sam over New Years. I hurt. I cried as the clock struck midnight east coast time where he was and I cried when it was midnight in Seattle as I sat on my couch watching the Space Needle...where I was supposed to have been with Mark....I was supposed to be married on New Years Eve. Instead, I was alone, wrapped in a blanket, begging myself to believe that everything would be ok...it would be ok.

We tell ourselves sweet little lies because the truth...the truth freaking hurts

It's not ok. I've only seen my dad cry one other time...before the center. He cried while I was home - both my parents did. Things weren't supposed to get to a point of making my parents cry again. Yet...they did. I'm so stuck and I'm so disappointed in myself.

At the end of May, before I went home for the summer, Hunter and I sat in Sugarhouse Coffee and I said this: "despite feeling like I'm bragging and in honor of reminiscing, I'm really quite proud of how far I've come this year". To which he gave me the one comment that will mean the most to me forever and ever... "You know what, Devon? I'm really proud of you too. I actually thing about it a lot and you're kinda an inspiration to me." Brie, my parents, and Tina ditto-ed it.

I'm not that person right now and I'm so disgusted with myself.

"I think the hardest part of kicking a habit...is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted...for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out-of-control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else...fade away. The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you are there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting it go hurts even worse."

Two weeks ago, Mark called me to inform me that the inevitable had happened - he and Sam had started dating. I broke down - more than I ever have quite possibly. I ached - I physically ached and nothing could make it go away - not even a little. I sobbed against my dad's shoulder, clung to my mom's arm - but all I really wanted...all that would really help was to have my tears wiped and kissed away by Mark. In a desperate attempt at coping, I turned to my eating disorder as everything else had failed to lessen the pain at all. At that point, I really did become hysterical. Even my eating disorder couldn't numb or help me to deal with the intense pain I was living.

I was so scared...my eating disorder has always dutifully fulfilled it's purpose of removing me from a situation I don't feel I can handle. I simply slip away to my dark, hollow place and usually end up slipping away from the situation in reality as well. Treatment is my escape - it's my safe haven where I can be loved and be able to pretend the world doesn't exist. I can blame disappointments and setbacks on my eating disorder and be taken care of. I can be forced to think about myself and not about others. I can live my little treatment life and close myself off from all the inevitable hurt that comes with the joy in life. This time...it didn't. I've lost the last thing that I felt I could count on to "help" the situation...

"And just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. And knocks you off your feet. If you're lucky, you'll end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal."

So here I am…my eyes painfully swollen from over 3 hours straight crying, and I’m still holding onto a dream…with absolutely no guarantee that it will ever come true. Originally Mark was planning on breaking up with Sam while he’s in Iraq. (God this is so hard to write…) On my way back from the Center today, he told me that he thinks we should go back to the original plan of starting over in 2 ½ years in Hillsboro, Oregon… “It’s not fair to Sam” “You and I are perfect when we’re together…but long distance is so hard for both of us.” “You told me that the reason you started getting distant was because you couldn’t talk to me about your eating disorder getting worse” etc etc.

I know I haven’t really given any updates on us, but long story short, I love him tremendously. He makes me feel safe. He wipes away my tears and holds me close when I’m upset. He loves my quirky “little girl” side and tells me I’m beautiful. He brushes my hair and gives me massages randomly – without being asked. He takes care of me and loves me….and is hurting me so incredibly much.

Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. And as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.

I can’t let go though…and he says he can't and won't either. He’s still wearing the ring he bought when he proposed to me around his neck. He asked me to keep wearing my ring around my neck…and I am. He referenced the movie, The Prince and Me (he watches chick flicks with his mom) and told me that he WILL be there…in dress blues…on my college graduation day…and he WILL get down on one knee and propose to me again…with my fake diamond ring that I’ve requested (I really don’t want a real one for a number of reasons). He’s promised Sophie our cat and Jack our dog. He’s promised fireplaces and cuddle sessions with our blanket. He’s promised me that we’ll get married in Trinity Episcopal Church in Everett, WA when I’m ready – even if it’s after my masters. He’s promised to love me for forever and a day – as my husband.

Mark keeps his promises…but I’m so desperately afraid that he won’t be able to keep this one – no matter how much he assures me he will. I’m so scared…so unbelievably petrified that I’ll never get him back. I don’t think anyone can understand how alone and terrified I am right now…and it hurts so very much.

If there's just one piece of advice I can give you, it's this -- when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. And when you've lost hope, ask yourself, if 10 years from now, you're going to wish you gave it one more shot. Because the best things in life... they don't come free.

Even now I believe for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending, most of the time, and that sometimes despite all your best choices and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway.

You can have anything in life, if you will sacrifice everything else for it.

I need to take back my life and return to the happiness I had when I was healthy. I liked my body even at a higher weight. I didn’t have to agonize over food. I went out to dinner with friends. I ate what I wanted. I laughed. I smiled with my mouth AND my eyes. I was ok. I need to be ok again. I’m just so drained…so incredibly drained…

You don't know this yet, but life isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to be this hard

We take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes, against all odds, against all logic... we touch. What’s important is that we never stop believing so we can have a new beginning

I need that new beginning. I honestly believe I need Mark as a part of it. He’s matured a lot. He’s considerate, honest, loving, honorable. He was worried about me when he saw me over Christmas break. At Christmas Eve mass at Trinity Episcopal (yes – same as above), he lit the candle for me…everyone lit their candle off of the one he lit for me – praying that I’d find the strength I need to regain my life. I don’t have a choice. I have to do it for him, for my parents and family, for Tina, for Brie, for Hunter, for all my friends, for Melissa and Alice, but most of all…for me…and the life I desperately need to live.

So I hope with all my being that Mark remains my Prince Charming…that he appears at my graduation and gets down on one knee. I hope a lot, a lot a lot that there really is a forever and a day for us. I need to hope that.

Prince Charming, he was so close you could taste him, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. But the thing is it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

I have a large and impressive collection of quote cards in my room. One of them keeps echoing in my mind today as I sob and sob in hopes of getting some of the grief out. The quote is: “live to the point of tears” I certainly am. In the end, I have a feeling that one way or another, it’ll be worth the multitude of Kleenex and bleary swollen eyes…just as much as the belly laughs and eye smiles.

So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy; they just promised it would be worth it. Eventually feels a lot better than actually.

Wish me luck…