PostSecret Secrets

I was looking at the weekly postsecret additions on the website: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ and I realized something sad and unnerving about myself. Relationships are incredibly challenging for me not just because of the prior shitty ones I've been in but also because of this: if I'm in a relationship, deep in it, and then we break up, it means that once they've truly gotten to know me they don't want to be with me. I always maintain that I'd rather be in a relationship, but once that happens, I get scared. It's one thing to not be dating me and not be interested. Perhaps they caught me on a bad day...perhaps I wasn't wearing makeup...wasn't in a cute outfit. I can always attempt to rationalize that one. What about when someone breaks up with me after we've been together for a while? I've opened up to them, shown my true self...and then they turn away.

I suppose I'm terrified of not being loved for my true self even. I know I put out different parts of my personality when I'm with different groups of people (I wrote about it in an earlier post). I think I'm more scared of what comes later after I've stripped myself naked for the person (both literally and metaphorically). The scars have to be explained and the body image stuff dealt with silently with the literal part. The metaphorical part is a whole different thing.

I haven't opened up a huge amount to Ryan yet...I'm working up the courage to hope that he won't toss me out once I get down to the deepest layers. I'm so afraid to ruin this one that I'm doing something that could potentially ruin it...hiding. The definition of intimacy is the validation of a private thought or feeling shared. I want to be intimate in that respect with Ryan. I think part of the problem of feeling like I shouldn't has to do with the fact that he's a naturally reserved person. Most guys are I guess. It certainly doesn't mean that just because he's not sharing a ton that I can't I suppose. He has shared some things with me but I don't know many of the boundaries of topics - like his mom's death. That one I don't go near unless he brings it up.

There are just so many things I'm still learning about him...more than that there are so many things I'm learning about me!

I'm still planning on applying to Pacific University...it would be irrational and stupid of me not to. I have to say though, I'm not longing to get in as much as I was. I suppose we'll see how things pan out. The U has a great program at a hell of a better price. No matter what anyone says, I wouldn't be compromising my goals. That's one thing Ryan was concerned about that led to the mini-break up. If things are going on the same path they are now come next spring, I will stay here...and gladly. I know Jenna would love him forever if I ended up staying, huh Jenna? I thought as much haha.


My Grandma is in the hospital after breaking her hip...I'm feeling a little on the morose/sad/depressed side and most of it has to do with that...I'll write a blog about that whole thing in a little bit.

Happy Halloween everyone!